


Letting Go Means Losing You

by Jules1398



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Cancer, Castiel and Jimmy Novak Are Twins, Child Death, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Established Relationship, F/M, Flashbacks, Ghosts, Homophobia, Internal Conflict, M/M, Mental Instability, Minor Character Death, Misunderstandings, Multi, Multiple Personalities, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Spirits, Twins, did, sort of Dean/Jimmy and Amelia/Castiel but not really, there is a part that you can interpret as metaphorical or literal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-07 06:13:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1887906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jules1398/pseuds/Jules1398
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Cas. I don't want die." Jimmy's voice cracked as he sat up from his hospital bed and grabbed a handful of his twin brother's shirt. <br/>"It's okay Jimmy. I won't let you," croaked the other eight year old boy. <br/>The heart monitor let out one continuous beep as the line straightened in the center, but Jimmy wasn't dead. Not really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. I had this idea ages ago and I finally started to write it and it just flowed. I love comments on how I can improve my writing and I'll try to reply to as many as I can.

_ " Cas . I don't want die." Jimmy's voice cracked as he sat up from his hospital bed and grabbed a handful of his twin brother's shirt. _

_ "It's okay Jimmy. I won't let you," croaked the other eight year old boy. _

_ The heart monitor let out one continuous beep as the line straightened in the center, but Jimmy wasn't dead. Not really. _

* * *

Jimmy Novak grinned as Amelia set the ham down in the middle of the table where he was seated with his seven year old daughter, Claire. 

Amelia took a seat at the table and Jimmy once again marveled at her sheer beauty. Her dazzling blue eyes never failed to capture his attention. Her dirty blond hair fell loosely to her shoulders and she brushed it back, meeting her husband's glance.

Jimmy's attention then turned to his gorgeous daughter, Claire, with her mother's b londe hair and his blue eyes. He spoke to his young daughter lovingly. "Claire, sweetheart, would you like  to lead us in grace?"

Claire grinned so widely that you could see almost all of her teeth, a few just little  nubs from where she had recently lost them. She folded her hands together and looked down. Her parents quickly followed suit.  

"God, we thank you for this wonderful ham and every other thing you have given us. Thanks for Mommy and Daddy and the house and all of the food we've ever eating. Amen."

"Amen," Jimmy and Amelia  repeated, proud grins on their faces.

They served themselves and began to eat.

"So," Amelia began, "did you hear about the Bakers'  girl, Lily?"

Jimmy furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head slightly, a habit that both he and his twin brother,  Castiel  had. "What about little Lily Baker?" he asked.

"Apparently she's a lesbian. And I thought she was such a good Christian too!" Amelia exclaimed.

Jimmy's face hardened. "Being a homosexual doesn't make you any less of a Christian or a human being."

"James, the bible says that homosexuality is a sin." She sta red inquisitively at him, obviously unaware of his views on the matte r.

 "Ames," Jimmy started, "it also says that cutting your hair is a sin, but we do that anyway."

She crossed her arms over her chest. "I wasn't aware that you had such strong opinions on the matter."

He twirled his fork around. "Well, my twin brother is gay and he supported me when I needed it, so I can support him."

Claire and Amelia both looked up at him. He rarely spoke about his family. It was always a tou chy subject, as he hadn't spoken to them in god knows how long.

Claire is the one who finally breaks the silence. "Daddy, you never told us you had a twin. Does he look like you? Can I meet him?"

Jimmy set his fork down. "Claire, baby, I'm sorry but you can't meet him. It's over. I left my family."

His wife stared at him. "If you hate your family so much, why are you so eager to defend your brother? What did  they do that was so horrible that it  pushed you away?"

Jimmy gulped. "They didn't understand."

Amelia rested her soft hands on top of his and smiled softly. "Understand what, sweetheart?"

He pulled away from his wife's grip and stood up. "If you could excuse me, I have some, uh, work to, uh do, so I'm going to  be upstairs."

"Jimmy, you are the worst liar known to man." Amelia's eyebrows were raised at him. "Please, just, t ell us one thing about your brother."

" Castiel ."

"What?"

"His name is  Castiel . Now I'm going to go upstairs if you could please excuse me." Jimmy all but ran up the stairs to avoid any further questioning.

* * *

 

It was only two days later when everything he had built up over the course of ten years came crashing down on him.

He was sitti ng in the living room watching TV with Amelia. Claire was asleep in her bedroom upstairs. The house was quiet except for the sound of the television.

Then, the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it, Jimmy," Amelia said with a smile, slightly pushing his  arm to prevent him from getting up.

She walked around the house to the door and opened it, where she was met by a nervous looking man with stunning hazel-green eyes and fre ckles splattered across his nose. He ran his rough hands through his spiked brown hair and spoke.

"Um, hello. I'm looking for James Novak." He teetered from left to right.

Amelia held out her hand to him. "I'm his wife, Amelia. And you are?" 

He firmly gripped her hand and shook it. "Dean Winchester. I'm an old friend. We were really close up until about ten years ago, though I was always  bit closer to his brother."

She grinned softly. "Well why don't you come on in and I'll get him out here to talk to you." 

She walke d into another room and soon returned with the man Dean remembered. Wi th his unkempt black hair that never really stood right and  his blue eyes that seemed to have little galaxies inside them.

Jimmy halted when he saw Dean, eyes widening in pure horror.

"NO ! You can't be here! Get out! You are going to ruin everything! I don't know if I can keep holding him back if you're here!" He fell over and his breathing became erratic.

Amelia began to freak out. "Jimmy?! Are you okay? You're scaring me." His breathing became more and more erratic and it looked ass though he was going to pass out.

Dean walked over and kn eeled by his side. He spoke calmly, "Jimmy, it's all going to be okay. I need you to take a deep breath. I wanted to talk to him, but I don't have to if it makes you uncomfortable. Just know that if you don't calm down, he's going to take over whether you like it or not."

Jimmy's breathing slowed until it was regular. Amelia had tears in her eyes. "What happened? Are you a doctor?"

Dean brushed Jimmy's hair back from his sweaty forehead and discreetly tucked  a small piece of paper  in his coat pocket . "I'm not a doctor. Just an old friend, like I said before. I do know what that was though. It was an anxiety attack."

Amelia looked at him with a confused expression plastered across her face. "Did this used to happen to him often when you were friends?"

Dean shook his head. "Jimmy never used to get anxiety. He was always the bra ve one, the normal one.  Cas , however had serious anxiety problems that only a few people could help him through. I always thought that was one of the reasons that they ran away ten years ago."

Dean looked over at the man who was now able to stand at Am elia's side. Dean could tell just by looking into his deep blue eyes that Jimmy was gone. The man standing beside Amelia was  Castiel .

Dean tucked his hands into the pockets of his worn leather jacket. "Well, it's getting late. I might stop by some other time, but I've got to head back on the road. Bye Amelia. Nice meeting you." He waved as he walked out the door. "Bye C- Jimmy."

Amelia looked up at  Castiel , who had both hands in his pockets. Well, I'm heading up to bed. You coming up too, Jimmy."

"In a moment,"  Castiel  replied. It was a lie.  Castiel  was leaving to speak with Dean. 

Dean was the only one who understood.


	2. Chapter 2

_ Castiel  was ten years old on the day that  the Winchester family  moved  to Law re nce. It was the middle of July and the intense heat had most of  the other kids at the pool or inside, but not  Castiel . He sat in his spot. _

_ His spot was just a small clearing in the woods right near the river bank. He had been running around with Jimmy when they accidently stumbled across it. They came out there almost every day. When the twins were six and Jimmy had been diagnosed with leukemia, they had sat there and cried for hours until they heard their mother's worried screams from the edge of the woods. When Jimmy died,  Castiel  sat there every day and felt his presence because Jimmy was there. Two souls sharing a single  body. Nobody else knew, it was their secret. Jimmy took it better than  Castiel , who cried every night. _

_ So, on the sweltering summer day, the boy sat in silence, lost blue eyes  staring over the river, sweat plastering his jet black hair in all different directions as he thought. Thought about the secret that he had been harboring for two years. Thought of ways to avoid the other kids during recess so that he could avoid their harsh stares. Thought about how Meg, his only friend was going on vacation the next week. Thought about Jimmy. His balding head. His blue eyes. All the things he would never ever-. _

_ "Hey!" chirped a little voice behind him. He jumped up and flipped around, blue eyes wide open in shock as he faced  a boy that seemed to be about his age . He took a step back in fear and almost fell into the cold river when a hand grabbed him. _

_ "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare you. Name's Dean." The boy- Dean had emerald green eyes that were filled with apology. There were little flecks all across his nose and on his cheeks. Freckles. _

_ "It's okay,"  Castiel  murmured ner vously, " Castiel ." He jutted out his hand and Dean took it and shook it hard. _

_ "You shake hard,"  Castiel  said, slightly  tilting his head to the left. _

_ Dean gave him a proud, toothy grin. "My dad says that if you shake hard it let's people know that you mean business." _

_ Castiel  furrowed his eyebro ws. "Well,  what business do you mean?" _

_ Dean shrugged. "I want to make friends, so I went exploring and it looks like you're the only other one crazy enough to be out in this crazy heat,  Cas ." _

_ Castiel  grinned a little at the nickname. He liked it. His parents and the kids at school called him by his full name and Gabe and Anna called him Cassie, which he absolutely hated. He  kinda  like Meg's nickname for him, Clarence, although he still had no idea why she called him that. Meg, his only friend. The rest of the kids were mean to him. They called him a loser.  He squinted at Dean. "Why would I want to be your friend if you think I'm crazy? " _

_ "I said the other one. That means I'm crazy too. Plus, my mom says sometimes we need a little bit of crazy." Dean sat on the riverbank and pulled  Cas  down next to him. "So,  Cas , friends?" _

_ Castiel  shrugged  in defeat. "Sure, I guess. Why not?" _

_ The boys sat in silence for a little bit looking over the river. _

_ Dean broke the silence yet again. "So, what grade are you going into next year?" _

_ "Fifth." _

_ Dean turned around with that toothy grin on his face and shook him a little by the shoulders. "Me too! We might be in the same class! You can introduce me to all of your other friends!" _

_ "Friend,"  Castiel  corrected, face gone solemn. _

_ "Aw, c'mon. You're lying. You've  gotta  have more. You're really nice." _

_ "You've only known me like five minutes,"  Castiel  pointed out. "Plus, the other kids think I'm weird 'cause I don't talk much. My twin brother Jimmy was the normal one who had all the friends." _

_ Dean's mouth opened wide. "You have a twin?! All I've got is a six year old brother who follows me around the house all day." _

_ Castiel  fiddled with his thumb and frowned as a tear dripped from his right eye into his mouth. "Had." _

_ Dean's eyes went wide as he covered his mouth. "I'm so,  so sorry. I didn't know. We've been friends for like fifteen minutes and I've already made you cry. I'm a really terrible friend aren't I?" _

_ "It's fine, Dean. You didn't know." _

_ "Well, my mom says that when somebody dies, they never really leave us. They stay alive in our heart or memories or  somethin '," Dean said as he placed a comforting hand on the back of  Castiel's  back. _

_ He had no idea, but  Castiel  wanted a friend. _

_ Dean would have to do. _

* * *

 

Castiel  peered at the little strip of paper tucked in his pocket. When he opened it he huffed out a little laugh. Dean had scrawled down his location in his always messy handwriting. He'd always said that Dean was on his way to becoming  a great doctor which always earned him a shove in the arm.

_ The Astoria. Room 207. _

Castiel  smiled as he grabbed Jimmy's tan trench coat and headed out into the brisk winter air.

He heard Claire's soft voice behind him, "Daddy?"

Blue eyes me t near identical blue eyes as he swiftly replied, "I am not your father."

Claire stood  in the doorway, upset and confused as she watched  the retreating form of the man she always thought was her father.

She sprinted  out into the yard and toward the car as he began to pull away toward the  Astoria Motel where he could see the man he had always loved again.

When he knocked on the door of the seedy looking motel, he was greeted with a possessive kiss before Dean practically yanked him into the room. "You came."

Cas  snorted. "Who could resist the charms of these wonderful hooker sheets and mirror ceilings?"

Dean cocked an eyebrow at him. "Dude, over these past ten years you didn't lose any of the sarcasm."

Castiel  grinned. "Wasn't planning on it." He flopped onto the bed next to Dean.  "I missed you." His smile had become softer and more gentle and he took  Dean's rough hand in his own.

"Then, why'd you leave?" Dean whispered, tears developing under his green eyes.

"I didn't want to leave. Jimmy did."  It was the truth, to an extent.

Dean looked down at his brown combat boots. " Cas , you and I  both know you're in charge in there. You let Jimmy take over. I want to know what I did."

Castiel  frowned. "Dean Winchester, you listen to me. You did nothing that would make me ever want to leave you. You treat me, treat us, like normal human beings instead of psychotics. I guess," he stopped and twiddled his thumbs for a bit, a nervous habit of his. "I guess I wanted to let Jimmy live his life. He wasn't happy back in Kansas. We were seventeen, there was still a chance for him to live out the life that he had only wanted and I just let him take it."

Dean rubbed his eyes. "What about your happiness? Doesn't that matter too?"

"I'm sorry,"  Cas  croaked out as he began to cry. 

"Come with me,  Cas ?" Dean offered.

"I have to let Jimmy say goodbye. I'm not taking him away from his family without that. That mistake doesn't need to be repeated. Not by me. "


	3. Chapter 3

_ Castiel  fidgeted as Gabriel tied his blue tie and smoothed down his freshly-pressed white shirt. He shouldn't be this nervous. It's just homecoming. He went last year and it was fine. But, this year was different. This year he was finally going with Dean. _

_ Anna walked into the doorway and giggled. She looked gorgeous with her red hair curled past her shoulders and her shiny strapless silver dress that went down to her knees.  "You look so nervous. It's usually the freshmen that are nervous, but I guess our little sophomore is actually going with somebody he likes this year." _

_ "Daphne was... nice," he argued. His older brother and sister broke out into laughter. _

_ "Dude, that's exactly it," Gabriel chuckled. "You didn't want to get into her pants  so was there really any point in going with her?" _

_ Castiel  rolled his eyes. "Yes there was!" Anna giggled from beside him. "To  get Dean jealous!" _

_ "We have to get going,"  Cas  mumbled, not disagreeing with his older sister. _

_ As they walked down the stairs,  Castiel  saw Dean's widened eyes meet his own. Anna's date, some guy named Thaddeus, whom  Castiel  would probably never see again whistled at the sight of her.  Castiel  huffed. Thaddeus sure wasn't much of a sight in his sparkly jacket, skinny jeans, and orange  dress shirt with the top three buttons undone, revealing a thin, white tank top . _

_ But Dean, Dean looked ab solutely  dazzling. He wore a black suit similar to  Castiel's  with a dark green tie that enhanced the beautiful emerald color of his eyes. _

_ " Cas , you look... amazing," Dean said, almost out of breath. _

_ He grinned. "There's no way I look as handsome as you Dean. I m ean look at you!" _

_ Gabriel snorted from the other side of the room. "If you guys are done with the  lovefest , my mother put me in charge of photography." _

_ He stood and smiled with Dean on his right and Anna on his right. _

_ "Say cheese!" Gabriel exclaimed. _

_ "Cheese!" They responded, with a bored mumble from Thaddeus. _

_ This night was going to be perfect. _

* * *

 

Jimmy stared at the house.  Cas  had ruined everything. He'd allowed him to have this great apple pie life and then tore it away from him. To do what, exactly? To run off with his boyfriend and be the weird gay kid with mental issues again? But Jimmy knew that he owed this to his twin brother.  Cas  had given everything for him.  Castiel  and Jimmy always were  the  supertwins , fighting for each other and not taking no for an answer.

He walked through the doorway to see his wife and daughter waiting for him. Amelia was on the phone, crying into the mouthpiece. Claire looked up to him with an expression of fear on her tear stained face.

Amelia hung up the phone and walked up to him, anger in her eyes. "You lied to me. You are not James Novak," she said sternly.

"Yes, I am, Ames," he said as he took  both of her hands in his own.

"Stop." Amelia yanked her hands out of her husband's grasp. "You are  Castiel  Novak. You ran away from home when you were seventeen and took your dead brother's identity. I don't want your lies any more."

"I AM Jimmy. My body died when I was eight, but my soul lives on.  Castiel  offered to share his body with me and even let me live out my life for ten years, but now he wants to live his life, so, goodbye."

Amelia's face went soft. "Oh, Jimmy, we can get you help. Marissa's cousin works at a mental institution in Bloomington. I called your brother. He's flying out. Maybe he can help pay for the medicines and therapy  you need."

"No, Ames. I have to leave."

She set a soft hand on his arm. "Please, just a consultation."

"You just don't understand. Nobody does. Only Dean."

Amelia patiently replied, "It's okay. I'm taking you to see how we can help. Maybe then I can understand."

He bit his lip. "I'm not crazy ."

"Ninety-four percent of psychotics think they're perfectly sane," she pointed out. "I just want to help."

So, that's how Jimmy ended up riding shotgun with his sobbing wife and daughter to a mental hospital instead of getting the respect he needed from somebody who actually seemed to understand his situation.

* * *

 

"Mr. Novak. Your wife says that you have multiple personalities. You and your brother. Is this true?" The man who was speaking was old and bal ding. His name  plate read "Doctor  Zachariah Adler".

He forced a smile at the ugly doctor in front of him and smoothly replied with a lie. Lying to people that didn't matter to him was a skill he had perfected as a child. "She is delusional. I took on this identity because I was unhappy with my old life and wished to start fresh somewhere else."

The doctor looked pleased with his answer. Probably happy that he was getting paid for a worthless interview. "What would have your wife believe this?"

"We were having a petty argument and she probably wanted to get back at me," he replied.

"Well, I don't see any need for you to be in our care , so you can  go ahead and get back to  your family." Dr. Adler smiled as Jimmy left his office.

Amelia stood up as soon as she saw him enter the waiting room. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said I was perfectly fine." Jimmy wrapped her in  a warm  hug. "And I say goodbye."

And with that, Jimmy let  Castiel  take over as they stormed out the door and the duo continued onto their next task. Getting back to Dean.


	4. Chapter 4

_ Cas  found a sixteen year old Dean in their spot in the woods, kicking his feet above the river bed. Tears were falling from his red-rimmed eyes. _

_ "Dean, what's wrong?"  Castiel  asked, setting a comforting hand on his boyfriend's tensed up shoulder. _

_ "My dad was drinking and he crashed into a telephone pole and he's in a coma and he's probably going to die and I can't lose him," Dean choked out, pain audible in his broken voice. _

_ "You know, there's a way that your dad can live through you,"  Cas  replied, softly stroking Dean's back. _

_ Dean sighed. "Come on,  Cas . I really don't want to hear the "he can live on in your memories" crap from you too." _

_ The blue-eyed teen shook his head. "No, it's much greater than that. You just have to allow his soul entrance into your body. Then, you can give him partial control. I did it, you can too." _

_ Dean's face twisted in confusion. "What?" _

_ "I did it when I was eight. Wi th my brother, Jimmy. We share a head. Everybody thinks he's dead, but that's not really the truth."  Castiel's  voice was rushed as he let his secret out. During  the entire time that he spoke he heard Jimmy screaming at him to stop and that telling Dean the truth could ruin everything. _

_ Dean looked at him, green eyes spread wide. "Thanks, but I don't think I want my dad in my head. I mean, he's stupid enough to drink and drive. He'd  probablt  kill me too." _

_ Castiel  gave him a weak half-smile . "You don't think I'm insane?" _

_ "Of course you're crazy,  Cas ." The shorter boy's face fell and then rose again when he heard the rest of Dean's words. . "But, sometimes, we need a bit of crazy in our lives." _

* * *

 

Dean paced the seedy looking  motel room. It wasn't supposed to take him so long to say goodbye to his family . He'd searched for  Cas  for years. He'd modelled his career, his entire life after his obsession with finding the man he loved.

Some people called Winchester Private Investigating the best in the state of Kansas, if not the entire country. Dean didn't agree. Charlie, who was one of his best workers, told him that he was just modest and that they were, in fact, the very best. Dean thought that he must've been pretty shitty at his job if it took him ten years to find the person that he put most of his resources toward searching for.

He hadn't even changed his name. Jimmy had just got some hacker from who knows where to grant him an ID and such and eliminate it's traceability.

He hadn't even found him  directly. His name tracer got a hit on 'Novak' when there was a small article in the Pontiac Gazette about how seven year old Claire Novak had advanced to the regional youth spelling bee competition. He had Charlie hack into the elementary school database for her contact information and there it was. James  Novak. Sitting right there in middle-of-nowhere, Illinois the entire time.

That was about a week ago. Dean had to muster up all the courage he had to go down and just speak with him. He always assumed that  Cas  had left because of him. Maybe he was a shitty boyfriend or he made Jimmy uncomfor table knowing that he had sex with the body that he inhabited . Maybe  Castiel  just wanted to go somewhere that nobody knew his secret because he didn't trust Dean to keep it.

He had to know. Not knowing what had happened on that summer night ten years ago  was killing him. Even though, if he was rejected, he might kill himself. He wanted to, back when  Cas  left. But he didn't. Instead, he got his life together. Worked harder in school, tried not to get arrested or make risky decisions.  He had to be in optimum condition if he was going to find him.

Now he was here and it looked had he had gotten stood up. The warm, salty tears had begun to drip down his face.  Cas  had to be coming back. He HAD to. He wouldn't leave Dean again, would he?

Dean heard Back in Black buzz from his phone on the nightstand. He rushed over and flipped it open, hoping that it was  Castiel .

"Winchester."

"Dean?" came a gravelly voice from the other end of the line.  It was  Cas . Dean let out a breath of relief. Thank the ever-loving lord.

"What happened?" Dean asked, scared that something bad had happened to his boyfriend.

"Can you pick me up?  I'm in the  Shell gas station on Main Street in Bl oomington."

Dean began to gather up all of his  things while still talking on the phone with  Cas . "Of course. Did you let Jimmy tell them he was leaving?"

"Yes . He was required to do it t wice."

"You want to talk about it?" Dean grabbed his keys and walked out of the motel and toward the front desk to check out.

"Dean, we don't have the time, the voice says I'm almost out of minutes."

Dean chuckled at  Castiel's  response . "Be  there in like an hour,  Cas ."

"Dean?"  Cas  asked quietly from the other end.

"Yeah, baby?"

"Thank you."

Dean climbed in his black Chevy Impala with a wide grin spread across his hopeful face. He was going to get  Cas  and after that, it didn't look like he was going to be leaving him again anytime soon.

* * *

 

Gabriel hung up the phone. He was going to be on the very next flight out to Illinois. It was the call he had been waiting for ten  years for. Hi s baby brother had been found.

Of course, he had expected the call to be from Dean. Dean had grown obsessed with his boyfriend's disappearance and formed a Private Investigation office because of it. 

Instead the call was from a woman who claimed to be his wife. That had confused him.  Castiel  was gay. He had come out to them right after he had broken up with Daphne back when he was fifteen. Then, he got a second phone call.

Cassie wasn't just Cassie. He was Jimmy too. He had DID, or Dissociative Personality Disorder, and he was very talented at lying and shielding it from others. It was not secret that Jimmy's death had impacted his twin more than it had impacted anybody else. This must've been how an eight year old deals with tragedy gone wrong.

Gabe knew one thing for absolutely certain. He was flying to Illinois to talk to Cassie's wife, Amelia, and his daughter, Claire. Then he was going to call Dean Winchester and they were going to have a nice, long chat.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the longish wait!

_ The first time Dean and  Castiel  had sex, they were sixteen. It was more than just rubbing against each other in the Impala or quick blow jobs in the janitor's closet. _

_ Today they were going to go all the way. They were going to do it for real. It was just a normal day.  Castiel's  parents were out of town and Anna and Gabe were off partying  who knows where. He was just spending a nice night with his boyfriend. Two almost-adults h anging out. _

_ Then doing-the-do. For the first ever time. _

_ Why was  Cas  so freaking nervous? He was going to top. He and Dean had decided that that would be the best decision for  Castiel's first time ever having sex.  _

_ The doorbell rang throughout the house. _

_ He could do this. He was giving his most precious gift to his most precious person. _

_ He opened the door to see Dean, twitching nervously, shifting his weight from foot to foot. As soon as Dean looked  into his eyes, the twitching stopped and his warm smile spread across his face. _

_ "Ready,  Cas ?" _

* * *

 

Dean and  Cas  spent most of the day speeding down to Lawrence. Dean had to check in with his employees at the PI office. Eventually, it got late and they had to stop for the night.

The motel they pulled into was a lot less  skeevy  than the last. The bed had worn, plain brown sheets and flat-looking beige pillows. So far, no weird stains, so it was already up one from the last motel.

Dean flopped face first onto the king sized bed that took up most of the room.

"Shit man, I'm wipe d," Dean groaned, face buried in a pillow.

Castiel  sat down beside him, stroking his fingers through his spikey brown hair. "Maybe, if you would have let me dive, then-"

"No dude. The knight in shining armor doesn't make the princess steer the horse."

Cas  raised a thick black  eyebrow. "Oh, so now, I'm the princess. That's a lot coming from the guy that looks like Rapunzel."

Dean turned around and whacked him in the shoulder with a pillow. "You fucking mention that again and I will personally strangle you with this pillow when I have the energy. Now, I just want to get my four hours."

Castiel  smirked at the all man laying on the bed below him. "Oh, are you sure that there's absolutely NOTHING you want to do before that?"

Dean flipped around to face  Cas . "If you're suggesting sex, I'm definitely game."

* * *

Castiel  gazed down at Dean, spread naked before him, cock twitching with interest. Dean was bigger, more defined, than the last time they'd done this, but still as beautiful as before.  Castiel  supposed that he was too, but Dean seemed to like it, as he ran his tongue across his soft, tender lips.

Castiel  leaned down to kiss those wonderful lips, rutting his hips across his lover's. 

" Cas , baby, I missed this so much." Dean groaned between rough, desperate  kisses.

Castiel  felt Dean's rough hands run through his  disheveled  hair and responding by placing his pale hands on Dean's tanned thighs. The taller man moaned loudly. He never was a quiet one during sex.

Castiel  blindly grasped for the lube on the beside table. He pulled away from Dean and opened the bottle with a loud pop.

Castiel  leaned over to Dean's ear and whispered  in his low, gravelly voice , "Do you want me to fuck you in that pretty little ass of yours?"

"Fuck. Yes, baby, fuck me nice and hard," Dean moaned.

Castiel  got to work with the lube, squirting a stream of the thick gel  onto his fingers. 

"Ready?" He looked into Dean's eyes for confirmation.

"Always ready for you, baby." Dean grinned.

Castiel  slowly inserted his index fin ger into Dean's pink hole and pushed around .

"Ugh,  Cas . More," Dean panted.  Castiel  listened, adding a second finger and sprea ding it in a scissoring motion to spread his hole. He hit his lover's prostate and earned a long ear-splitting moan.

"Can't come yet, Dean. We have more work to do,"  Cas  grunted.

He added a third finger, pushing and stretching so that Dean could be able to take him without getting hurt.

" Cas , fuck me already!" Dean begged.

Castiel  pressed a soft kiss to his temple. "Your wish is my command."

Castiel  rolled a condom onto his hard, pulsating erection and coated it with a heavy amount of lube.

He slowly pushed into Dean's hole and felt the heat surround him. " Nngh , so fucking tight," he voiced.

Dean gripped his firm shoulders with his rough hands. "Fucking move,  Cas ."

Castiel  pushed out and pushed back in, hitting Dean's prostate with every thrust. 

"I love you so much baby," Dean sputtered as he pushed down on  Castiel's  cock.

"I love you too, beautiful," he moaned in reply, n ipping at Dean's earlobe.

Dean came, squeezing tight around  Castiel's  thick cock as spurts of come coated their stomachs.  Castiel  immediately followed, filling the condom inside Dean's ass. He pulled out his limp dick and tied off the condom.

Both men laid down next to each other, no longer the boys they were last time they did this together.

Dean let out a soft smile as he gazed into  Castiel's  baby blues. "You know,  Cas , the last time I had sex was ten years ago with you."

Castiels  eyes widened. "You waited for me?"

"Of course," Dean shrugged. "Just like I'm going to wait for you to get a towel from the bathroom and wipe us off," he said earning a soft nudge in the face.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. I had camp, then vacation. I'd say updates are gonna be more frequent now, but I have a huge procrastination issue and I need to start my TFWBB fic, as the first draft of that is due in October and I keep switching ideas.

_ When the two ten year old boys  came bursting into  the Winchester house hold ,  shirts pasted to their backs with sweat, Dean yelled on the top of his lungs. _

_ "Mom, Dad, I'm back  and I have a new best friend!" _

_ Castiel  tilted his head to the left  and wrinkled his nose . "Best friend?" _

_ "Of course . You're my first friend here so you  haf 'ta  be my best one ." Dean nudged him in the side with his bony elbow. _

_ Mary gracefully walked into the room, a six year old Sam h anging onto the bottom of her bright pink floral skirt . _

_ Dean gleamed as he stated, "Mom, this is  Castiel  and he's my best friend in to whole entire world forever." He wore a proud grin on his small, freckled face. _

_ Mary smiled at  Castiel  and leaned over, warmth glowing in her eyes. Her hair was  like  a wavy, bright blonde  halo hanging around her shoulders and she was the prettiest woman he'd ever  seen. _

_ "Nice to meet you,  Castiel ," she said  reaching out her  hand  to him . _

_ "Pleasure to meet you too, Mrs. Winchester,"  Castiel  said, just as his father had taught him as he shook her big, soft hand. _

_ "Well," she said brushing her hands off on her white apron, "Let's get some lunch in you  two boys.  You must be hungry after all of that playing.  I hope you like peanut butter and jelly!" _

* * *

 

"We're almost there,  Cas . Just a few more miles then we'll be at my old house," Dean informed him  as he squeezed his left knee .

Castiel  was nervous. He hadn't  se en any of the se  people in years and they all probably thought he had abandoned the m. He bit his lip and tried not to frown. Unfortunately, Dean noticed.

"What's wrong, babe?" Dean asked, quickly glancing in his direction  with a worried look on his face as he drove.

"Nothing," he replied softly, picking at his thumbnail. 

Dean rolled his eyes in the  rearview mirror. "Bullshit."

Castiel  nibbled at his lip. "What if they're  angry because I left them . What if the  very  few friends I did have don't even like me anymore?"

Dean gripped his shoulder with his rough, callou se d hand. "I like you and that's all that really matters."

Castiel  smiled softly  at Dean's truthful, but arrogant remark. . "I guess  you're right ."

"I always am," Dean smirked.

Cas  raised an eyebrow. "Sure, you are."

"Yep. You remember that," he said as  Castiel   softly nudged him to the left.

* * *

 

Dean's house look ed  almost  exactly as it did  when he last left it, over ten years ago. The exact same coat of  creamy  white paint  paired  with navy  roofing,  doors ,  and windowsills.

The garden was filled with bright pink flowers once again, as it was in the years leading up to the death of John Wi nchester when Dean and  Cas  were sixteen. The corner of  Castiel's  lips lifted in a small smile at the newfound knowledge that Mary Winchester had healed from the agony that losing her husband in that tragic  car accident had caused her.

He followed Dean up the creaky wooden steps to the doorway, remembering all of the happy times they'd had together in the house standing before him.

Dean rang the doorbell, the familiar chiming sound ringing through the  cold, winter  air. The door was slowly pulled open to reveal Mary Winchester, sporting same long halo of golden blonde hair, the  same  eyes that brought warmth to your heart. Of course, t here were a few  minor changes here and there too,  t he small wrinkles above her brow, a few gray hairs hiding in a sea  of golden blonde , but she was still the perfect picture of motherly beauty and grace.

"I'll have to call Sammy and tell him that my two other boys are home," she exclaimed in her sweet, sugary voice as she wrapped both of them in a big, warm hug.

She ruffled their hair as she always had and led them into the kitchen. She gestured to the k itchen table. The same one that had always been there . Dean gripped  Cas ' hand from the seat next to him and grinned his toothy smile. Mary set a tray of chocolate chip cookies on the table and the warm smell of home drifted into  Castiel's  nose.

"So, Sam and his wife, Jessica will be up for Christmas in a few days. I'm sure that he'll be happy to see you after all this time." She looked up from what she was cutting to make eye contact with  Castiel .

"Um, okay. I'd be more than happy to see him again and meet his wife too,"  Castiel  replied.

"You know, y ou'd never guess who I spoke to just yesterday," she said, with a bit of a sour tone mostly hidden in her voice .

"Who?" Dean said with a raised eyebrow.

"Gabriel," she looked at Dean and  Cas  pointedly. "He wants to talk to you, both of you. And, you know, he said the oddest thing."

"What?" Dean blurted out nervously.

"He said that he had spoken to  Castiel's  wife and that he was pretending to be his dead twin brother. I told him this was absolutely ridiculous because there was no way that Dean's darling, but introverted  little boyfriend would do that."

"It's not like that, ma'am. You just don't understand,"  Castiel  interjected.

She set a soft hand on his elbow. "Then explain it to me. You're like my third son, I deserve to know the truth."

Castiel  shifted around in his seat before he spoke. He couldn't lie to Mary. She was a more of a mother to him than his own mom  was. Rachel and Charles Novak never were able to look at  Castiel  when every glance reminded them of their other baby boy, the one who they thought was gone forever.

"When my brother, Jimmy, died, he told me he could live on through me, sharing his body. I have more control than him, but I let him take over for a while.  It was him that ran away, him that married her, had a kid. He wanted to live his life."

Mary frowned and sat down at the seat across from him, gripping his left hand with a motherly grip. "Honey, you have to let go of him. He's gone. This is your life, not his. He drew the short straw. You should be happy."

Cas  chewed on his lower lip and looked down at the light oak table. "I can't."

"Why not,  Castiel ?"

He looked up at her soft eyes, tears brimming his own and gripped Dean's hand tighter in his right one. "If I let go of him, I'll lose him forever."

Mary's frown deepened  and left the subject alone, not able to bear the pain on her third son's face , instead continuing to prepare dinner  as Dean showed  Cas  around the house once again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tfwbb is done so MAYBE more regular updates. In the future I'm going to start finishing stuff before I post it, but this (and maybe an accidental miracle??) I'll keep writing chapter by chapter.

 

_ Castiel  ran over to the other boys in his class during recess. They were playing tag.  Castiel  wasn't very good at tag, but Jimmy was playing tag, therefore he wanted to play too. _

_ When he got nearby, Alistair , the meanest kid in school,  squinted his angry  eyes at him. "Get lost,  Castiel . We don't want to play tag with you." _

_ Castiel  frowned and looked over to Jimmy, who was silent. "But, Jimmy is playing tag, and we're pretty much the same  person ." _

_ "That's not true. Jimmy is so much cooler and more fun and he runs faster than you!" Raphael exclaimed.  Raphael was also mean and he smelled like stinky cheese. _

_ "Just because I can't run as fast doesn't mean I can't play tag!" _

_ Jimmy finally walked up to him and, when  Castiel  expected his support, his twin pushed him away. "Are you deaf,  Castiel ? If you want to play tag, find somebody lame enough to play with you!" _

_ Castiel  ran away toward the school , tears in his eyes. His teacher failed to notice what was going on  because she was too busy painting her nails and talking to her boyfriend to focus on the six and seven year olds that she was supposed to be teaching. _

_ Castiel  finally stopped at a bench to catch his breath. Sitting there was none other than Meg Masters.  _

_ She was a troublemaker because she didn't do her homework and she sometimes said mean things like when she called Alistair a jerk for accidentally breaking her pencil.  (Even though he was a jerk, that wasn't a very nice thing to say.)  Nobody really talked to her much, but she didn't mind. She didn't really like  people much any way. During circle time she only ever shared about her brand new baby sister, Ruby. _

_ "Hey, Clarence," she said, the second 'c' coming out as a whistle because she was missing three teeth in the front. _

_ Castiel  tilted his head to the left as he sat next to her. "My name is  Castiel ." _

_ She rolled her eyes at him. Mother had always told him that was rude, but Meg didn't seem to care about manners. "Boring. I'm going to call you Clarence.  Kinda  like a nick name, but only I'm allowed to use it." _

_ Castiel  wrinkled his  nose. "Please don't, Meg. I don't really like it." _

_ She shrugged. "Well I don't like the way Andy smells , but I still have to go to school with him." _

_ Castiel  nodded in understanding. Andy did tend to smell like cottage cheese and salami when he came to school.  He probably skipped bath time a lot. "Fine.  I guess y ou can call me Clarence." _

_ Meg smiled. "Well, Clarence, you want a sip of my apple juice? " _

_ "Sure," he replied as normal as possible. They weren't supposed to have juice on the playground, but somehow Meg bypassed the teacher without her noticing.  Castiel  was usually one to follow the rules, but Meg wasn't, and she seemed cool. At least, a lot cooler than Jimmy's friends. _

* * *

 

The next morning, Dean woke  Castiel  up early.  Castiel  responded by hitting his boyfriend square in the face with a pillow.

"Man, I forgot how much of a heavy sleeper you were," Dean said as he ripped the pillow out of his hands and set it back on the bed.

"Yeah? Well, since when are you such an early riser?"  Castiel  responded, annoyed, yet playful.

"Since I want to meet with a friend this morning," Dean replied.

"Is it somebody I know?"  Castiel  asked as he finally crawled out of the queen sized bed.

"Yes, but I'm not telling you who. It's a surprise." Dean sounded almost excited, which meant it had to be somebody he actually liked.

"That narrows it down a lot. I mean, how many people actually like me that are friends of yours?" It was probably Jo or Ash. They were always nice to him despite his horrible social anxiety.

"Maybe  it 'll surprise you," Dean said as he twirled his key around on his pointer finger. "Now, get dressed. I'm ready to go already."

"I bet you were born fully clothed with car keys in your hand,"  Castiel  muttered in response, earning a laugh from Dean.

"You're so stupid when you're tired . I love it ," he chuckled as he walked out of the room.

* * *

 

Dean pulled up to a smaller cream colored house and beckoned for  Castiel  to get out of the car as he wore an excited expression.

When they walked up to the doorway, Dean knocked on the glass part of the front door.

"Doorbell's busted," he explained. "I keep meaning to fix it  for her , but I never really get to it when I'm in town."

A little boy opened the door and grinned. He looked to be about eight, with a head of brown hair and dark brown eyes. 

"Mister Dean!" he exclaimed. "Are you  gonna  babysit me again today? Or finally fix our door bell  for us?"

Dean snorted in response. "Nice to see you too, Jesse. Is your Mom here?"

The little boy turned around. "Mom!" he hollered. "Mister Dean is here with some dude and he wants to talk to you."

When he saw who was coming to the doorway, he broke out into a broad smile. It was Meg. She wore powder blue scrubs that signified that she was  nurse, something she had always dreamed of , but struggled to work towards, due to her difficulties in school .

She stopped short in the hallway when she saw  Castiel . "Clarence," she said softly. She looked over to Dean. "You found him.  After all these years,  y ou finally found him."

She moved forward and enveloped him in a big hug. "I missed you," she said, tears wetting his borrowed green t-shirt.

"I missed you too, Meg."

She pulled away from the hug and pulled Jesse to  her side.

"Jesse, this is my old friend,  Castiel . Clarence, this is my son, Jesse." You could fill a room with the smile that Meg wore right at that moment.

"He's wonderful,"  Castiel  softly responded, hearing Dean snort behind him. He probably would have told him something about being a sap, but he didn't want to ruin the ir  reunion.

"Well he's my little troublemaker. His Dad doesn't do jack besides paying the child support bills and, frankly, it doesn't upset me. God knows that my son doesn't need Lucifer  DeVille  in his life"

Castiel  remembered Lucifer. He was an asshole to everybody, even his so called "friends". Meg had always had a bit of a thing for him in high school, despite his reputation and  Castiel's  constant admonishing.

"I told you so,"  Castiel  pointed out.

Meg gave him her signature eye roll. "Thanks for that, Clarence."

Dean stepped back. "Well, you two have a lot of catching up to do. I'm going to go take Jesse out for ice cream. No, I don't care that's it's ten in the morning and I guarantee that Jesse doesn't mind either."

Dean and Jesse were out the door before either of them could protest.

Meg looked him in the eye. "I have coffee and you have a long story to tell me. Let's get going and, before we get started, remember that I can tell when you're lying."

So, they caught up on old times. For once,  Castiel  felt comfortable telling somebody the truth about him. Meg had always understood him when others couldn't. There was just one thing she was hung up on.

"Why would you give so much to help Jimmy?" Meg asked  inquisitevely .

"What are you talking about?"  Castiel  responded. "He's my brother, I love him."

She shook her head. "Don't you remember?" she asked. "Jimmy was always horrible to you."

"No, we were twins. A two for one pack. And we still are," the man protested.

Meg crossed her arms over her chest. "I can't believe you don't remember! He bullied you with a bunch the other kids all the time. It was really horrible."

Then, all of a sudden, the memories came whooshing back to him. The exclusion. The taunting. Jimmy was only nice to him when nobody was around and, even then, sometimes he could be cruel.

 Meg had been the key to unlocking the part of his brain where he stored these horrid memories . He didn't know whether to curse her for bringing back the scars or to thank her for helping him to remember things that he should have never blocked out.

In that moment, a huge realization dawned on  Castiel . He didn't need Jimmy anymore. Jimmy had needed him, and he had everything he wanted now. Maybe it was time to finally move on, but how?

Change was always a hard thing for him. Perhaps it had something to do with his crippling anxiety. Once he had a pattern going, it was extremely difficult for him to break it. Jimmy had been by his side his entire life and in his head for almost two decades. 

Sure, he knew that change needed to happen, but it could always wait.


End file.
